Fidel Polls Better Than Newt in Miami

MIAMI, FL   —EBBQ  In a revealing, some even said shocking, poll taken after the Jacksonville GOPTea™ debate in Florida, Fidel Castro came in 4% ahead of Newt Gingrich, one of the real candidates for the presidential primary contest. The poll has a MOE of ±.025% and was conducted in the city’s central semi-residential district. People who answered any of the street pay phones that were called were asked 3 questions. The questions were asked only in Spanish, but not with a Cuban accent.

1. Do you plan to vote in the Florida primary election?
2. Who do you plan to vote for in this election?
3. Who will you vote for in the November 2012 election? 

There were 650 calls made with exactly half of the calls being answered – 325. A total of 14 phones were out of order, narrowing the response rate. Of those tallied, 85 voted Romney, 60 for Castro, 47 for Gingrich, 18 for Santorum and 12 votes for Paul. Of the 78 leftovers, 8 votes were recorded for Michele Bachmann’s husband, Marcus with the remaining 70 divided as a 4.375 statistical average among 16 other non-candidates unknown to the poll takers.

The former Cuban revolutionary leader was reached for comment his remarks were limited to 2 short, clipped comments:  

“This is the finest display of idiocy and ignorance in the free world today.” Castro said, and then quickly whispered into the phone, “Even Bob Dole could win this stinking primary with one hand tied behind his back.”

When Spkr. Gingrich was told that Castro had polled higher than himself, Newt smiled cherubically and said “I have great fundamental respect for the Cuban leader and I wish him well in the future.” Then he whispered to an aide, “Didn’t you say Fidel died a few years back?” 

Romney said he was pleased to know that the bearded revolutionary had finally returned to his maker. “I wish him well on his life’s journey.”

Marcus Bachmann was inexplicably shy in his comment, but he did say that he “was not holding his breath for Newt’s promise of Ambassador to the Moon,” at the end of his email response.

When asked about the polling answers for the third question, the spokesman for the polling said that not one of the people who responded knew anything about any election coming up in November. One person explained that, “Mr. Rubio said there’s nothing of any political interest going on in Florida until 2016.”

North Korea To Recycle Kim

PYONGYANG, North Korea — The government of North Korea announced on Thursday that it would place the embalmed body of recently passed Kim Jong-il on permanent display next to his father's body at Kumsusan Palace in Pyongyang and install his statues, portraits and memorial Towers of Eternal Life across the country.

Almost as an afterthought, the government quietly revealed that the 3rd member of the Kim family, Kim Jong-un, will be embalmed and deified when he passes on. Just not in the same way as his father and grandfather before him. Rather, the government spokesman said, the current Kim will take the name KimChi on his death and will be religiously diced and pickled in the same manner as the pungent national dish. 

Instead of lying in a perpetual embalmed state, like father and grandfather, KimChi will be the first deified ruler of the communist country to be consumed by its country's citizens, allowing his carbon footprint to stay quite low. There is after all, a famine of drastic proportions raging in N. Korea and the new ruler has now decided that he will assume the role of "Savior of The Realm" in a similar manner to what Christ did with his early Christians — it is his wish to become his country's 21st century savior by feeding the hungry, and not in the 5 fishes/3 loaves manner, but rather a much grander style, KimChi for everyone. 

Instead of the Towers of Eternal Life erected for the previous rulers, KimChi will be honored solely in thousands of restaurants in the country, where their now-sacred stores of kimchi will become altars to the young ruler's life on earth. Dramatic rituals will be written and prayers developed for the daily deification of KimChi. 

A monthly collection of holy days will be announced and observed beginning in 2013 and by the time Kim Jong-un does die, the various sacred practices will be second nature to the lifestyles of the North Koreans. Consider the coming 30 years or so as practice for the eventual deification. Each citizen will assume the title of "novice" at first, slowly moving up the spiritual ladder to the eventual title of "leader" at the top.

Of course, as he hasn't yet passed, the multitudes of kimchi that are being made and used will be blessed on an annual basis by the current ruler. This nation-wide blessing process will take up most of his official time. There's a lot of kimchi being made in Korea these days.

A new department of the government has been established. The agency is entrusted to a group of highly educated men with the sacred work of blessing all the country's kimchi production. These men will be crowned National Treasures and live a sacred life of ease, with devotion to the kimchi as their calling. When this Kim dies, they will control the continued making of the exclusive and authentic KimChi for the nation.

Kim Jong-un is reputed to have made many private jokes for his boyhood friends at school in Switzerland about his pickled grandfather, many times using street slang Korean "얼굴 피클 사우어", which is pronounced "kim chi ill" and vaguely translates to "sour pickle f**ky face" – a howlingly funny double enténdre, especially if you are a Korean teenage boy.

Giuliani Moves Towards Endorsement

NEW YORK CITY  —EBBQ  This morning, in a hastily arranged Skype conference in New York City's Brooklyn Borough, former Mayor and 9/11 stalwart, Rudi Giuliani, announced his suspected endorsement of former GOPTea™ House Speaker Gingrich for GOPTea™ presidential nominee. 

In introducing himself, Giuliani quickly said both "My friend Newt" and the name of the former president and newly anointed GOPGod, "Ronald Reagan", in the same sentence. A Giuliani aide said that was considered typical of a Giuliani endorsement. Another Giuliani aide said that Reagan would be available for questions only at his California ranch.

Here's Giuliani's exactly worded endorsement:

“My friend Newt's got a set of luggage that even Louis Vuitton couldn't sell, but at least Newt's saying he can quote the ideas that Nancy swears Ronnie once had,” he said.

"So I've got a letter that Newt wrote to a flippin' somebody in Iowa and he wants me to read it out to you all – there aren't any copies so listen closely. It's sad I am not allowed to go to Iowa, I'm told they do gay marriages out there. Here's the letter."

To Bob Van der Past:

I, Newton Gingrich, solemnly pledge that on day one of my administration sometime in January, 2013, I will sign an executive order reinstating Ronald Reagan’s Mexico City Abortion Policy. Nancy swore to me on Skype that he really had one. She promised to email it.

I pledge, also on day one, to hold dear the institution of marriage by my demonstrated personal fidelity to my spouse; I also pledge to defend all Midwest right-wing marriage values, including recognition of the unborns. I will presidentially defend all types of right wing fundamentalist religion, even the Mormons. But most importantly I will reinstate all Reagan-like deficit spending, even allowing we the people to think we rule ourselves.

I pledge I will name Callista Ballista Gingrich, my above-mentioned spouse and our new composite First Lady, to be in charge of the transfer of the Federal Reserve, Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac and the Treasury to a Tiffany & Co. revolving credit account. She believes this minor, yet far-reaching, adjustment of the location of the government's money will quickly realize great savings by releasing all 200,000 Treasury personnel. And no more need for Fort Knox. With this action, I reduce government spending by $1.2 trillion a year in medicare and social security payroll deductions alone. This will be transferred to the Tiffany employees, who already know how to manage credit accounts very successfully.

I pledge I will act appropriately grand and appoint the 'right' federal judges who promise only to use their powers to trample on individual liberties by corporate request. In an equally king-like fashion, I'll use my executive powers to limit the jurisdiction of the federal courts on all legal issues, and throw out unnecessary court cases. This alone will save another trillion or two a year in legal fees. Those savings will transfer to a small Kansas bank owned by the Koch family.

Callista has suggested that I also regally make up important, even drastic decisions every day that I won't agree with the next day, all in the spirit of great and lasting bipartisan compromise. This time I really, really, really do mean it. You have my word, which is my bond.

Giuliani stopped reading here and said, "His final bit is in his own sweeping last-minute, handwriting," I solemnly, and with all due respect, order you, Bob Van der Pussy, to recapitalize the letter 'I' in your writing of the word FAMiLY, pointing out how silly and unAmerican FAMiLY looks written that way – step into your man pants, you pussy, and be the 'I' in famIly! 

Signed 

Sincerely, Newton Gingrich, 

Cunning Linguist.

PS I really, really, really do mean it. Fundamental. Word. Bond. End of story. 

Giuliani said, "Thanks for listening folks."

Newt Reveals 'Cart Before Horse' Campaign

DES MOINES, IA   —EBBQ  GOPTea Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich proposes to mount a nationwide nomination strategy without the use of a strong professional campaign staff. He says all he has is Callista. Gingrich freely admits it is a dizzy idea. "It's Callista and I against them all. We’re hauling in office furniture right now, and we haven't the foggiest idea of where we are.”

Gingrich has installed a former Huckabee aide, Trodd Beete, in South Carolina to keep watch for him down there. He will also be lining up out-of-work Florida janitors to canvas their home state counties as well. Asked about his contact with Gingrich, Beete said, "Yes, he emails me usually on Sundays, when he is in church with Callista. She sings in the choir, you know." 

Beete continued, "Which reminds me…this past week, I got an unusual FedEx envelope from her. Instead of my payroll check, there were a necklace and a bracelet, each in a little blue box. I sent it right back to her, by overnight."

A volunteer adviser contacted in Iowa said, "The furniture came by FedEx yesterday. Callista promised phones would be FedExed to me by Thursday at the latest. I sent back some jewelry items that were in the last FedEx payroll envelope. In 3 weeks the 2012 Iowa caucuses convene – I have 99 counties to organize. He's hardly a candidate here at all.”

Commenting on Iowa, Gingrich said "We have 6 staff in Iowa that I am in direct email contact with constantly, when I have the chance. I plan to hire masses of recently-fired local janitors to canvas in the counties. I want to fill all 50 Iowa counties with janitors, but hiring by email and FedEx takes time. Callista handles all my FedEx. Try to imagine janitors who understand political caucuses and you see my insane problem. Fundamentally, the caucuses will be over before I get my janitors in place. Cart Before Horse — it's brilliant because I think it is, and no one's ever done it before me! Newt Gingrich will be the nominee. Like I advised Fannie Mae, take it to the bank. And I banked them, too."

On his Cart Before Horse campaign strategy, a former aide said, "There's a danger in being a one-man band — no one stops you from going over the edge. Yeah, you're riding the horse and waving to the crowd and all, but the cart goes over the edge first, and you're pulled right over with it. I’ve been watching him do that since 1989."

A long-time national staffer who asked to be anonymous said, "He's not an 'also-ran' anymore. He's debated himself right into a front fucking seat. He needs to quit managing the emails and start being the dog and pony show he says he is. He’s got to deliver votes and turnout, but he’s suffering from a chronic fucking bout of Hypés Newtiephallus — he is controlled by his own hype." 

The staffer explained, "This is a recurring, quasi-mental condition he contracted in his teen years. Like with the previous wives, Newt assured Callista that she had it locked out, but it's back, just like before, and the worst case I've ever seen. She immediately FedExed her stash to her private safe at Tiffany's."

No one at Tiffany's was asked to comment.

Newt Re-realigns To GOPTea Wishes

NEWT2012 WEBSITE —EBBQ  Opening revised NEWT2012 quote:  “You shouldn’t have trusted me in the past, but trust me, you can from now on. And the near future, till 2016, looks good too.”

“Those century-old positions I held are now out of step with current-day, newly revised, 21st century conservative orthodoxy – I’ve come to the principled conclusion that I was simply wrong – and when I’m wrong…well you’ve seen that movie.”

“I’ve now officially changed, and I’ve come to the principled conclusion that I do humbly regret those positions I took, both in my public and my private lives. I have the Tiffany-of-all-relationships with my current wife, Callista. I am demonstrously a man with great ability to change — not to mention my desires.”

Newt’s adulterous shtumping of Callista during his Speaker-led impeachment proceedings against President Clinton, is not hypocrisy after all. Newt points out that Clinton's impeachment was only about that president’s committing perjury to a sitting federal judge, a felony no less. “My affair with Callista was simply a non-feloneous private affair. The media forced me to admit it publicly. Adultery is a misdemeanor in most states.”

On his previous GOP-backed promotion, paid for by The Heritage Foundation, of an alternative mandated national health care plan to rival Hillary Clinton’s ’90s plan, Mr. Gingrich states, “I’ve come to the principled conclusion that no candidate in the race can match my own 35-year career as a public figure on this matter.”

Newt's current working theory on the mandate is: “I’ve come to the principled conclusion that a mandate to purchase health insurance is unconstitutional, unworkable and wholly unconstitutional.”

Mr. Gingrich reluctantly agreed to support the Bush/Paulson TARP in 2008, but, in retrospect he says, “I’ve come to the principled conclusion that the way in which it has been administered is an affront to your and my democracy.”

Re Dodd-Frank Bill, he now says: “I’ve come to the principled conclusion that getting rid of Dodd-Frank will once and for all end their obviously gay-based theory of Too Big To Fail. You know that Barney Frank is gay, right?”

Whilst Newt received a doctorate in world history from an accredited university, and has publicly admitted for years, pre-GOPTea, that “…our country must take action to address climate change,” he now swivels to, “I've come to the principled conclusion that I no longer believe there is any settled scientific conclusion on whether industrial development has dramatically contributed to a warming of the atmosphere. I was regrettably wrong for all those years before. It’s almost like I didn't ever vote for climate change legislation at all.”

Gingrich credits his current history/apology-rewrite, as an act that shows he’s aware that voters pay attention to candidates histories. Said attention, he thinks, needs to be tweaked only a little bit here and there – like his changing of a yes vote or two to no. He is also aware of the opposing party’s cunning ability to bring up his nasty history bits and rub them in his face. Not a pretty picture there — image, after all, is ultimate.

Newt’s quixotic quest website is typical of so many previous and even a few historic GOPTea bumps — Bobdole, McCain, Santorum, Pawlenty, Bachmann, Christie, Trump, Palin, Perry, Paul – oh, see? I already forget to mention Cain! You name ’em — a laundry list of the crapo, pun intended, GOP contenders for the Presidency. 

MAN ON THE STREET variously…

“Newt is a righteously scummy fellow.”  —gb, inflight, Dallas/NYC

“Spare us this idiotry…idolatry, that’s what I mean here.”  —hb, MS

“Like Mitt — Gingrich flip-flops like a trout on a canoe bottom — but Newt’s the ethical, principled one of the two?”  —jl, CT

“What about being first Speaker in US history to leave the House in disgrace, and pay a $300K fine for ethical lapses?”  —rr (posthumously), CA

“Why on earth should America trust a serial cheater and pathological liar?”  —sb, Italy

“Seriously Newt, you need to come up with new lines. You are now using mine. Thanks.”  —jrp, TX

“It seems that the self-proclaimed man of ideas now admits that his old ideas are wrong. He claims he has a new set of GOPTea-tested ideas.”  —td, SD

“Hypocrisy by the truck load…84 ethics violations as Speaker, 2 mistress/wife divorce combos and counting — the GOPTea swims upstream here.”  —jb, AZ

“Newt, you be a whole lot of Appalachian sorry.”  —ms, SC

“Gingrich’s political candor should be spelled cancer. Which, read my lips, it is.”  —ghwb, ME

“Not an FDR in sight, or a Truman, and certainly not a Jefferson or a Lincoln.”  —fdr, on the road in GA

“To err is human, to err again and again and again is to be Newtered politically.”  —hh (posthumously), IA