Palin-out, The Quitter's Tour

Russian Porch, AK –EBBQ "Palin-out" —n., the act of leaving before 2009 is over. Todd Palin quit his job with BP’s North Slope oil operation at the beginning of October. News of this quitting comes two months after Sarah Palin's announcement that she quit her state governor job on July 26. These news items followed the sad news that 54% of the country registered a "big quit" over her and John McCain's campaign for taking over the White House from G. W. Bush & Co.

Then, in what seemed like the ultimate family quit (secretly applauded by Sarah) daughter Bristol quit that Johnston boy as father to her child. Until Todd, that is. So the adult part of the family has called it quits for the time being.

Well, Todd still keeps racing his snowmachines. And the commercial fishing gig in the state. His celebrity-seeking wife attempted mono-lingual Asian business speaking, and tried at a much-lauded virtual book author. Now with multi-millions of her unpublished book, Going Rogue, being literally wished off the shelves of bookstores, only the real dollars are yet to line up with this meteoric rise into auto-orbit. She's also pushing at FoxNews, just in case.

This for a book that began life as a $35 page-turner, tell-all. And has wafted slowly down through $29 – $24 – $22, and, last seen priced at $4.97+ shipping with a year's purchase of the Neocon "Dish with Newt" newsletter – $2,000/person. "You've never dined until you Dish with Newt."

Even Amazon.com, online mega-retailer, claims eye-blinking amazment at the untold possibilities of sales of her 200-page book, remaindered at $14.97, when it is eventually published. "We can only imagine with the virtual rubbing of the hands, what heights the sales of this book could reach. But we are deeply imagining," said Amazon spokesperson G. B. Sterling at company headquarters. "It is what everyone hopes for in this business. And we have bought into this hope fest as we count the copies posted of conservative wishlists around the world."

"Everyone is wishing to have this book, and we can only hope that eventual sales come close to matching the wishes," chimed in Jeff Bezos, chairman of Amazon, who was roused from his napping on Sterling's office couch. "So sad for us, her exclusive conservative-city book tour will be ever the more delightful now that BP-Quitter Todd has signed on as her tour manager. What a draw he will be. Almost the same as the Playgirl December issue with that Johnston boy, I think."

Asked why, Bezos continued "You know, don't you that Amazon doesn't own one brick, let alone the accompanying mortar to make even one store. Amazon customers won't benefit at all from her tour. It's only because I am such a dear friend of Oprah's that I am going to get to see Sarah at all. And then it's going to be by Skype. I couldn't get a plane ticket to Chicago because of the Palin entourage. They took every one of Oprah's November plane tickets and half of December's as well."

"I will say this… for a family of quitters, they sure run at the head of the pack." He smiled. "The All-American story writ large. Care for a cup of tea?"

Palin Unstoppable in New York Pre-Election Win

ALBANY, NY —EBBQ Professional Political Campaigner and Alaska's Former Republican Governor Sarah Palin stacked up yet another pre-election win today against Less Formidable Republican Campaigner and Georgia's Newt Gingrich in a state House seat battle where neither opponent resides —New York.

Palin campaign spokesperson Meg Stapleton's spokesperson played Stapleton's taped press statement of Palin's hand-written statement. "It is in the best interests of the Republican party that Newt Gingrich "takes this one for the Gipper" (Former POTUS Reagan). He needs to remove himself to Georgia to lick his wounds like the Republican Former Speaker of the House (RFSOTH) he presents himself to be. Ms. Palin as Republican Former Vice President(candidate) (RFVP(c)), easily tallies the win here. She didn't even have to show up to wherever this place is to post her victory. Everyone sees now that Sarah "RFVP(c)." Palin has inherited Cheney's (Former VPOTUS) golden touch."

It was briefly noted in the press transcript that Ms. Palin specifically hand-wrote this statement herself, because of the complexities with "all these GOVT initials" –her words.

RFSOTH Gingrich said, when asked to comment on the Arctic reversal in the House race, "I'm not sure about the general overall meaning of this chain of events to the greater good of the Republican Party. I will moderate a Washington DC Blue Ribbon Think Tank webinar sometime over the next few weeks to see if anything can be done about reversing the tide here. I just have to get the right panelists and important sponsors, then we'll convene the webinar. You'll all get invites. It's never over."

Gingrich continued, "On the surface, with just 3 days until the election, it would seem that being in third place with 20 percent of the vote in that heavily Republican district, and with her primary opponents at a too-close-to-call-35-36 percent advantage, that… What's-her-name – the candidate who quit? Strozzapreti – ah, even we newer Catholics know what that name means. Anyway she certainly had the unspoken but effective backing of a seasoned Professional National Quitter."

Gingrich almost breathless now, continued, "It's of no matter the outcome of the race here or what my well-sponsored webinar concludes. The members of the trampled GOP, the historical party of the conservative movement in America, must be made aware that there is no other way now, but up."

The NY election is this next Tuesday.

The blood fight was won today in Alaska v. Georgia. @Palin recorded the results as #VPPalin=1, RT SOTHNewt=0. The RT reference here means "retired" not "retweet".

This officially readjusts the Vegas odds on the GOP 2012 Presidential Bumper Sticker positioning of the moment at 35:1

Palin
Gingrich
2012

(see actual bumper sticker graphic above).

Google to Nationally Publish News Free

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. —EBBQ In a publishing quadruple-whammo punch, Google today announced that it effectively had taken control of the major news corporations in the US not owned by either The New York Times or Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. — but including Tribune Co. and Sun-Times Media, Chicago; McClatchy, Seattle; Gannett in Maryland, Delaware, and Eastern Viriginia; to name a few. Over 35 companies in all sold their stock to the Google Cash Machine.

Not only did they manage to achieve this unbelievable goal in less than 36 hours of negotiations using their regular YouTube, Facebook and Twitter accounts, but they also managed to institute the final printed product as a "free paper" throughout the country. All 50 states, except for some rogueish hold-out precincts in New York, Boston and Anchorage. The papers will assume the logo and masthead of the über-parent, and will be spelled as "GüggleNeüZ" –so as not to ever be confused with their other division called plainly Google News. The new Logo will be added within 12 hours. Sooner with the online editions.

Google’s newly appointed editor-in-chief, Lachlan Murdoch, said from the GüggleNeüZ editorial offices in sunny Mountain View that he didn’t view Google's new free news publishing company as hurting any industry. "I feel that it is a boon to consumers, made possible by the increasing power of Google's advertisers. The fact that we don't charge for our papers should be of no concern to the rest of the publishing business. They are free to charge what they want."

He continued. “Obviously we like the price of free, because consumers like that as well. They are snapping up editions throughout the local test area. We see eventual publishing schedules as running throughout the day. Morning, afternoon and evening. Plus we feel that weekends will be much the same as weekdays. All the news, all the time. I hope no one has that catch line, as I want to use it. Could someone see to that?”

To up the muscle behind his statements, he offered, “With our GüggleNeüZ free papers that are soon to be out there and just as good as all the subscription newspapers, I don’t see much positive growth for the likes of The Grey Lady or anything that NewsCorp. can come up with and charge money for. Our customers have the best of all worlds, free news and free advertising."

It was pointed out to Mr. Murdoch that many business analysts have said that a successful, Google free newspaper service could chip away at sales of all manner of subscription services offered by corporations and the internet alike. As sales growth for those types of companies is already slowing, Murdoch's figures predict that shipments of free newspapers by Google will grow a full 19 percent this year from 2008. He wouldn't say how much advertising money that increase would represent.

"This is a newspaper price war that will hurt the failing members of the industry’s profits," said Mr. Murdoch. "I can't understand how the old-style paper companies can't see the writing on the wall. Maybe they just don't like to read walls."

“If it’s free and a good service," he continued, "why would you pay for something you can get for free?”

Shares of the two largest news publishing companies plummeted today in insider trading after Google’s announcement. An unnamed New York company lost fully 18.5 percent of value on the Nasdaq, while the closely-held competition closed an astounding 26 percent lower on the Tokyo Stock Exchange, amid reports of the CEO selling off millions of shares.

Google’s announcement also reflects a shift toward consolidation in its other ad-supported world businesses. People are signing up for Google Maps by the thousands. Google recently bought and closed the parent company of the last oil company map maker, removing those free maps from the driving public. Now, people will be able to download larger maps for their traveling needs which will show pictures of hotels, motels and restaurants along the roadways, not just highway markers, rivers and hills. And with a flick of the iPhone, you can make reservations at any of them from your car.

"Who needs GPS devices, when maps linked to a wireless network will make reservations as you drive," asked Murdoch rhetorically.

Flight Wins 23rd Annual Eau Claire–St. Cloud Corn Maze Run

Minneapolis, MN —EBBQ An Airbus A320 jet flown by a Northwest Airlines pilot and co-pilot have won the 23rd Annual Eau Claire—St. Cloud Corn Maze Run. The oldest airplane corn maze in the western world announced NWA Flight 188 were the winners by almost 28 minutes over the second place winner, 3-time Maze Grand Prize winner, Todd Palin from Alaska. Mr Palin used a dog team and sled in each of the 4 years he has entered the race.

Also entering the Corn Maze were 2 4-man bowling teams from St. Cloud, Minnesota, the terminus of the Maze; an Eau Claire, Wisconsin farmer with a self-propelled corn combine; and 5 guys on a hospital bed from Dubuque, Iowa.

The Pilot, Captain Bjorn Bjorseth, who grew up in St. Cloud said "I began my competitions in the Corn Maze about 10 years ago with a Cessna 2-seater. It was always my dream to win this thing before I had to retire and now I've gone and done it."

S. Burns Shalloway, a spokesman for the Corn Maze, said in a telephone interview that he planned to interview the entire group of competitors next week.

“We will continue to look at all things that affect the outcome of the running of the Maze,” Mr. Shalloway said. “We look at fatigue, chances of pilot error, in this year's winners. We like to find out if there were any aspects of the Maze that were considered to be distracting.” There will also be some people selected from the plane's 144 passengers who will be asked their opinions about the race as viewed from their vantage point.

Mr. Palin, who was asked about his inability to win 4 in a row, said "I think this year there just wasn't enough snow for my dogs. They are used to having lots of snow on the ground. For some reason, this year there wasn't any."

The plane, which was based in San Diego, landed safely in Minneapolis on Wednesday night, and all the passengers were smiling as they deplaned, waving to family and friends as they rejoiced over their new celebrity.

Many were talking on their cell phones to friends about the sheer ecstasy of cruising at 37,000 feet running through the Corn Maze, making the sharp turns, keeping ahead of the competition, exiting at St. Cloud and still landing in Minneapolis about an hour and five minutes before its scheduled arrival of 8:01 p.m.

“When they opened the doors, that’s when we knew we had won the big one,” said one passenger into his cell phone. “Judges wearing official Corn Maze badges met us and brought us off the plane. We never heard our pilot again, after Denver until shortly before landing here. He was just awesome in his flying the Maze. Then all he said was, 'This is the captain, we’re starting our descent and we should have the wheels on the ground in 20 minutes,' he said it so calmly, just like he did this all the time."

The company’s chief executive, John Newsom, said "the plane could easily have done the Maze while maintaining its altitude and speed. The instructions are pre-programmed into the auto pilot, and Capt. Bjorseth simply sat back and let the plane negotiate the Maze 'without active human involvement.' When he reached St. Cloud, he just took the wheel and coasted into Minneapolis.”

Obama Throws Down Twitter Challenge

New York/Washington Video Cam PR Conference —EBBQ Today, in a remarkable change of all the GOP's previous protocols and party planning pow-wows, GOP Head Tit (some say 'teat') Rush Limbaugh and Sen. John Boehner aired the first of their many planned video conferences to the public and the mainstream media.
Limbaugh/Boehner Feed: "With the totally screwed state of national affairs in evidence as we speak –uh, cam– we have decided to institute a change in the political jargon that has been apparent to the public over the past 10 months of the current president's term of office."

Pool Questioner: "How will this affect your Republican style of conducting the business of government?"

L/B: "Beginning with this video cam conference we have scrapped the old talking points way of being a political party. No longer will you hear that stilted sounding tonality coming from any of the members of the Republican Party. No more 'Halfrican-American' stuff from Rushbo, for example," said Rush."I'm off that stuff for good."

P-Q: "What will you do differently? Why the video cam approach?"

L/B: "We are opening up the GOP to the social media on the internets. We are going to conduct all of our conferencing by video cam on Twitter and Facebook. President Obama has thrown down to us and we are going to respond in kind."

P-Q: "How has the President 'thrown down'?"

L/B: "By making a Twitter statement that is such an all-empowering statement that it turns it into a mandate for the world in less than 140 characters, and it is understood," said Sen. Boehner. "Even by us, I may add."

P-Q: "Can you relate this particular statement and why it is so powerful?"

L/B: "Surely, it is this."

We wl suprt the Mlenim Dvlpmnt Gols, & aproch nxt yrs sumit wth a globl pln 2 make thm a realit. And we wl set r sites on the eradikshn of xtrm povrt n r time. 124 count!

L/B: "The Republicans could never have put this quality together, in the rest of this millennium. If we had that much time," said Mr. Limbaugh. "It's exasperating. I am planning to quit my radio show over this. I have been shamed."

P-Q: "Why would you give up so easily with this simple statement?"

L/B: "Bono wrote about it in an op-ed in the NY Times. We are, like, so totally cooked if Bono isn't on our side anymore."

P-Q: "But, may I say bluntly, Bono was never on your side in this particular issue. You've gotta be kidding guys."

L/B: "You don't see do you?" grumped Limbaugh. "He is able to make a cogent political statement in less than 140 characters.
"Frame it, question it and answer it. On talk-radio, we can't even begin to approach our point of view in less than 14,000 characters. In our present frame of mind, we can't even begin to think in less than 1,000-word questions. No one's going to read 12 Twitters in a row. We are dead." Emphasized Sen. Boehner.

Limbaugh continued, "All we can hope to do now is push for the video cam dominance and pray that we can score points there before he figures out that we have changed battle fronts." He lit another cigar from the first stub in his hand and puffed.

Boehner broke through the cloud of smoke, "We're like the Taliban in more ways than one, we have to keep shifting from one place to another. Damn this guy is good."

P-Q: "Do I get this right that you are trying to one-up President Obama's Twitter speech with a video cam conference call?"

L/B: "It's the only thing we can do. We're snookered into a corner here. We were blindsided by his unforseen Twitter Ability. And it is a jaw-dropping ability."

Limbaugh continued alone "I have sent the 129 character speech to a metal worker and he is scribing it into a steel plaque that we are going to hang on our wall. Not our Facebook wall, mind you, but our office wall."

P-Q: "Second to last question: What's with the Mitch McConnell clownface makeup thing?"

L/B: "It's a bad attempt at marketing to get people to show up and watch our video cam conference. It didn't work, as you see."

P-Q: "And my quick final question here men, what do you do when the President takes up his own video cam and makes a film that wins an Academy Award Oscar?"

L/B: Tears streaming down their cheeks, "Say it isn't so. Please? Say it isn't so."

P-Q: "I understand that the tape has been submitted to the committee."

The video screen goes to black.