Amercia’s Update via Etch-a-Mitt™

PARK CITY, UT  —EBBQ   A bunch of very old men with way too much money want to buy the White House and give it to the GOPTea©. They are promising a type of immigration reform that will let them hire Mexican gardeners, cooks and housekeepers to work for them. But with no possible citizenship for any. Thus, taking our country back to well before the 1820s – very pre-Lincoln, when everything was right with the world.  

This past weekend, they, and a passel of $50K donors and their bundlers, were invited here for a series of meet-and-greets with the inner circle of the GOPTea© campaign to “Rally Round Romney’s flagpole,” as Mitt’s brother, Scott described it. A devout Mormon, Scott Romney brought both his current and ex-wives. 

A number of sold-out events that deserve mention show the wide diversity that is present in GOPTea© thinking at this time of the campaign:

There was a 2-hour photo-op session titled ‘Five minutes with Rove: A one-on-one poseur’, where attendees were allowed 5 minutes of fame sitting next to Karl and photographing it their own iPhones. One question was allowed per session.

Mary Matalin and Dick Cheney chatted sans-teleprompter at a sold-out, 800-person  cocktail party. Cheney was regaling everyone with grand detail in a slide show, how he shot his friend on a hunting trip. A magical conversation that several guests called “explosively funny.”

As at all of these multi-day events, GOPTea© wives are shuffled off to be privately entertained. During the alcohol-drenched cocktail party, there was a “Mingling at Ann Romney’s Victory Tea,” which was quietly held near-by on an umbrella-shaded patio. Ann and her 5 daughters-in-law were said to have enjoyed this family-time together. The 2-table tete-a-tete allowed ample room for the 6 ladies to relax.

The weekend had all the glitter of a dress rehearsal Republican National Convention, or as one donor said, “It’s one-on-one chatting with the people who make decisions. We got to relate to them and there were a few that are just like me.”

Condolezza Rice was served as the main entrée for the Saturday lunch. The recipe for making this dish can be downloaded here. The vegetarian alternate  was Curry Piyush Jindal, a southern Indian dish known there as a Bobbie. Recipe here.   

…

On a related note, the brothers Koch held a competing conference for their own conservative ‘Electing R-Money’ PAC mega-donors at a resort outside San Diego. 

When asked about a visible divide, David said “We weren’t competing here, this was a legitimate California conference of our private ‘Electing R-Money’ PAC. We were told there wasn’t enough room for our 50 members at The Chateau.”  The Park City venue resort was chosen because the Romney kids wanted to ski together over the weekend. 

“We require nothing less than 5-star double suites, and The Chateau only has the 2 that Ann and Mitt claimed for their family’s use. So we came here instead. We might teleconference with them after our MillionPlus® Brunch on Sunday. By the way, that’s the price for the brunch, per person – and it is sold out.” David grinned quite widely.

“Off the record here,” David whispered, “Park City was overrun by Karl’s piddly $50K-minimum donors and we don’t, by choice, sit next to the ‘Mini-Ks’, as we have come to call them. 

“Back on record,” he said. “The outwardly minor, but my final and decisive reason not to attend was this new wave, liberalist ‘Everybody is completely accessible’ shit. 

“Not one fucking MillionPlus® VIP-style event was offered – absolutely no  seated place-card dinners. Seriously, two casual BBQs are just two-too many. Who eats that type of food? Let alone, two nights in a row? And why do you cook your own food?

“Off the record here again,” David whispered, “And W-T-F is with that Ann Romney Victory Tea thing? Women only? Really? For what purpose? A veiled take-over attempt by those damn ‘Mini-K’ wives, if you ask me.

“Back on record again,” he said. “Everything else was more of that damned ‘first-come, first-serve’ and ‘wait-in-line’ equality junk. This doesn’t work for us. We require and insist on a permanent, front row reserved seat for every event, even if we don’t attend. 

“People need to be reminded of who they are – where their place is, and that it is a different place from our place. Damn straight on that point.

“We made sure that we felt wanted and respected in San Diego this past weekend. It’s not easy being a billionaire these days. We raised tens of millions for our PAC, but none of the lower classes wants to help us out anymore. I’m sensing way too much of this very unwelcome and pushy me-me-me attitude.”

Going Home is What It’s About

BOSTON, MA  ~EBBQ  All national politicians are required to exclaim with pride about their beloved home state. This goes back to a time before the Lincoln era. Even politicians who moved for work reasons to Washington, would still go home every chance they got. They were said to enjoy their home state. 

Example? Former candidate Santorum, a died-in-the-wool PA-ian. He had to move his family to Virginia early on in his political life. It was easier to get to the job in Washington. But he kept a small PA shack with a mailbox and his name on it.  He also had the local PA school district pay for his kids’ educations while they were living in Virginia, so the PA voters would have sure proof that he represented them. He was on their side. 

There’s Indiana’s Dick Lugar. A heavyweight Senator who never actually lived in Indiana for the 36 years he was representing the state in Washington. He stayed in hotels on the public dime when he visited and campaigned for his 6 terms in Washington representing Indiana. 

I don’t need to rehash the whole messy Gingrich/Georgia thing here, you already got the picture. 

Romney’s newest five-day, six-state bus tour is described as “a lot of ice cream, a lot of cheeseburgers, and a shit-load of old-fashioned GOPTea BS.” But what’s going on behind the scenes is that Mitt is still looking for his true home. 

To do this, he has refurbished one of the leftover Palin 2008 tour buses that were left parked at East Coast highway rest stops. Complete with functioning GPS map, the bus can meander from NH, through PA, cross OH, skip IN, hit WI and IA, then back across…but not stopping in…IL and IN, to finally rest in MI. The bus will travel all those thousands of miles to join realistic small town-sized photo-ops for Mitt, who will fly by charter jet from state to state and meet the bus just outside the selected towns where important GOPTea© photo-ops are required. Burgers with Boehner in OH. Cheeseheads with Walker in WI. 

Romney said “I’ll give every state with small town dreams a fair shot. As long as my charter jet can land close by, their greatest days are ahead of them. I’ll see to that.”

Mitt’s secret purpose is he’s looking for a home that he can call home. He’s already built houses in MA, UT, MI andNH, and is rebuilding the one in CA. They just were never real homes, you know. Hence his thinking that IA, WI, OH, or PA might  be where his new small town home should be now. This bus tour is doing just that…rolling in and out of the off-the-beaten-path towns in these possible Romney Home states. States that, by coincidence, Obama won in 2008.

It will be Romney's first attempt to go back home since becoming the presumptive Republican nominee – a very long 5-year slog. The problem is, he’s still not sure where his home should be.

“We’re going to roll through 14 small towns on this tour,” Mitt said. “I’m only stopping in the places that are hurting from the bad economy – the forgotten places. We’ll bypass any success this trip. There's time for success after we deal with our struggle.” 

He continued, “I want to meet people who are really struggling in this fine land of ours. They are the backbone of American to me. The folks who struggle. Everyone can benefit from real struggle today. 

He ended with this, “This is Amercia. The land I want to live in, and I’ll build a home there for Ann and me when I find it. I want to be your president. Ann says it’s my turn anyway.” 

Prop 8 SCOTUS Vote Jerks GOPTea© Full Circle

WASHINGTON DC  —EBBQ  There's a small but rising fear in some GOPTea© circles that if SCOTUS agrees that California’s Prop 8 is unconstitutional, Romney will lose a very effective rallying point for evangelical conservatives. The GOPTea© say they’ve been giving a lot of consideration lately to the possibility that a SCOTUS blow to the law could bring out Obama’s base to vote, but stop the urgent need of their own activists.

An unnamed evangelical operative in the campaign explained off-camera to FOX NEWS earlier this week, “Life without Prop 8 is the one last positive legal effect that Obama could have on the country. If SCOTUS declares P–8 unconstitutional, it puts the GOPTea© on its knees in the November election. One big suckfest. 

He continued, “If the court overturns it, up to 10 million GOPTea© activists will not be eagerly pushing their one-sided hetero marriage issue. Romney claims he can’t afford to lose any votes over this issue.”

 Romney said publicly on Thursday, “As your ever-humble president, on my first day in office I will dismantle Barack Obama’s illogical support of state-based, same sex marriage. I will replace it with my own gutsy, faith-based, secretly Mormon-approved gay marriage Federal legislation. I’m calling this RomneyGay.”

The GOPTea© leaves seem to be saying this RomneyGay clock is ticking, and some GOPTea©s fear that they may be seen as out of touch on their own closeted same sex marriage plans. 

“With the new RomneyGay, same sex marriages are going to skyrocket overnight,” Rep. Aaron Schock (GOPTea©-IL) said. “I am personally pleased that RomneyGay is the rule of the land and the GOPTea© now recommends gay marriage. I will now call my own personal press conference addressing this issue on Monday.”

A former Idaho GOPTea© Senator wrote his anonymous comment by email, “If Prop 8 is struck down and we don't have our own ducks in a row, it’s like, be careful which stall you choose, kid.” 

Trump Hosts Romney Gourmet Dinner Fundraiser

TRUMP TOWER, NYC  —EBBQ  The final logistics for “Trump’s Huge Gourmet Dinner to Fund Gov. Romney” have been released. The Donald announced that “on landing at Kennedy the fortunate attendees – the chosen folk – will receive free post-flight ground transportation in the Trump vehicle, a personal guided tour and overnight stay at the Trump International Hotel & Tower and have a gourmet dinner with me, Donald Trump. And Mitt, of course. How could I ever forget Mitt? I’m hosting his fundraiser dinner!

“Oh, and we definitely will have a drawing to select two lucky people from the $3 lottery pool who will sit at my table during the dinner segment of the trip absolutely free. Mitt’s campaign is sorry they are unable to pay the expenses for these two, but they are both most welcome to join my personal tour of the fabulous Trump Tower before dinner. My treat.

“Right now we are actively seeking any secondary sponsors to pony up for the expenses – it’s only a few thousand or so each, so we hope to find the sponsors. But if neither $3 winner is able to attend, my two sons will be flown in from their spring African safari to fill the seats. They love my food.”

“Ticket price, schmicket price! Get off my back, Jack! If you have to ask, then do not, repeat, do not send in your $3. This is not a cheap-ass Democrat Dinner here! We want only totally committed, non-confrontational GOPTea© Mitt supporters. No game players allowed. I will continue to say that this is not about me here.”

So he continued, “My popularity is fundamentally more visible than that of a George Looney – or is it Clooney? And I am richer than all the presidential candidates combined – I mean since George Washington until today – all 44 of them were losers. Six billion and counting, baby! But, really who's counting? 

“I think it’s only self-evident that I, Donald Trump, will be the single most significant and severe GOPTea© surrogate that a candidate could ever imagine or hope to have in their corner. This is measuring up to be the fight of the century folks.”

Then thoughtfully he said, “I know a lot of people out there listen to what I have to say. Just look at my Nielsens for The Apprentice and Celebrity Apprentice. Every season more and more people tune in. And it’s not Joan Rivers they are looking for either. You know, there would be lines out the door of my Trump Tower with people waiting for an apartment to open up. If I had such a door. 

“Believe you me, I know what it takes to run a country. Just look at what I’ve done for New York, Atlantic City and Florida alone, then imagine what could be in store for the whole USA with Trump Power. I'm talking to you Colorado. And Ohio. And Kentucky. You all know you need a Trump in your rump.”

As if on a roll, he continued, “And I feel for Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran — they’ll all be in line for a Trump Tower, if and when they show they can support one. All those Talibans and guys named Al, they need a huge well-placed Trump Casino to run. It’ll take their minds off doing terrorism, the only thing that is important to them now. But, casinos are job creators, friends,” he finished.

“Now enough about me, this is supposed to be about Mitt. Be sure to vote for Mitt. And a vote for Mitt might get you a nice bottle of Trump Vodka. Ever had Trump Vodka? Don’t miss out. We’ll need a photo copy of your vote to get you the hooch.

“So get out and vote, and get Mitt’s $3 in the mail. You can phone it in to 1-800-THE DONALD. Make it $5, and a huge 2 oz bottle of Trump Vodka will be in your return mail. 

“Please note that the post label will say ‘Men's Cologne Sample’, but it will be Trump Vodka, we do this all the time in New York. No. Big. Deal.”

Merkel Readies Device for Stimulating Greeks

BERLIN, GERMANY  —EBBQ  Chancellor Merkel of Germany said she would readily agree to stimulating Greece in their G-spot. Germany’s “Iron Lady” says she will use her newly created device called a “Euro-do”, thusly named as it inserts the Euro into the economy as a sexual stimulant device, an effect that is similar to the use of a dildo – named the "dildo effect".  This act, when administered by Merkel, an avowed dominatrix, is mistakenly perceived by the hoi polloi as a softer, more emotional approach towards a struggling country’s inner chaos. Exactly the opposite effect is what happens.

No one in today’s Europe is crass enough to wish Greece an exit without public sitmulus, an act that would deprive them of their right of complete release. The smart Greeks are considering a divergent path to exit the Euro and re-employ a redesigned Drachma Stimulus plan. This yet-to-be employed Greek plan does not utilize the “dildo effect”.

One Greek person, who spoke anonymously, said “We are not used to this economic master/slave method of overt control. And we would never put anyone under the effects of a non-human device such as this, it is inhuman treatment, to say the least.”

He continued, “For centuries, in Greece, we have relied on the human application of stimulation, no matter for what purpose. That's what has worked for us. These artificial means of stimulation are not what we want to teach our children. They deserve the proper human stimulation to get through life.”

It is the cost of such external sexual stimulus that is perturbing Merkel and her Euro Economic advisors. They fear what could happen to the fates of Spain and Italy when they justly claim their own levels of increased stimulus dominance.

Merkel will headline the 2012 G-8 summit in Washington’s Camp David. Her keynote will be delivered with a G-Spot PowerPoint presentation, revealing her strategies of domination through insertions and exits of the various stimuli. 

She will compare and contrast her “Euro-do” strategy with a new “USA-do”, a two-headed device recently developed at the Heritage Foundation, a neo-conservative think tank in Washington DC. Heritage claims that through detailed research and extensive testing, they have developed the optimal device which, in their words, is “getting them both coming and going”. Some say this is patently obnoxious. 

It is a strategy which the GOPTea© Congress membership has championed relentlessly with some success, since the mid-terms in 2010. The main author of this plan is a little-known man named Grover Taxquits. 

A quickly re-written French strategy has been introduced by new French President François Hollande. Called the “Dubya-do” (the French love to copy anything USA), which involves artificially inflating the device internally, not allowing the exit to happen at all. The strategy has a limited multi-year lifespan before it deflates automatically, causing total collapse when least expected. 

Its last use was seen in 2001–2003, early in the  Bush Mega-Trillions Spend-a-Thon, which brought on a colossal collapse in 2007, just a mere 4 years later. Much sooner than many GOPTea© wanted to admit actually happened. 

“Dubya-do” is said to have attracted the eye of Mitt Romney who now publicly claims to have used the illegal rubberized version of it commercially in his VC business during the 1990s with much success. He is said to severely admire the “least expected” part of its deflation, because it so quickly appeals to his friends the bankruptcy judges, who are eventually called to rule on cases where union pension plans are divested. 

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On a lighter note, Angela Merkel is going to be traveling with England’s previously known Iron Lady, Margaret Thatcher. Ms. Thatcher will attend the G-8 Camp David Summit in an advisory capacity only, as she has given up listening to anyone but the few long-trusted voices in her head. The favorite of which is said to be that of young Ronnie Reagan from California, before he married that Nancy and started dying his hair black.