Google Sets Rupert-free Search

GOOGLETOWN, SILICON VALLEY, CA —EBBQ Rupert Murdoch isn't going to be very happy tomorrow morning when he finally awakens in New York. After a rather long night of public relations partying and chatting up the media press about his latest efforts to raise cash, he's now a lot more poor than was ever thought possible.

Not only has the company added "Rupert-Free News Search" to its logo, but Google News has erased all connections in their search pages for Murdoch, his family, and all their publishing, printing and broadcast sites on the internet. Type in Murdoch or Newscorp or FoxNews and each answer comes up blank. Nada. Zip. Not one reference recorded.

On all pages where source material is typically listed by source name and web link, this comment appears: ALL NEWSCORP SOURCE MATERIAL BLOCKED BY GOOGLE with the words lined out. See below for a page scan:
We asked Google to comment on this rather bizarre and unusual treatment of such a highly visible list of sources. We received the following comment by email.

"Dear Editorial BBQ:
This is in response to your question: "Can you explain the reasoning behind this rather bizarre and unusual treatment of such a highly visible list of sources?"

1. Yes we can. And,
   
2. Furthermore, we will,
   
3. now.
4. Mr. Murdoch has been boldly and publicly threatening to remove his material and links to his sites from our search pages for several days now and we were tired of his 'same-old—same-old'.
5. So we did it for him. We also removed his GoogleAdSense account and cancelled his contract.
6. You see he hadn't paid us for the click-throughs for November, 2009…no small sum, but we'll manage.
   
7. Then we sent him a quick note saying "Dear Rupert, we felt it was time for you to either s**t or get off the pot."
8. We've received no reply as yet.
   

Sincerely,
Brin-Page & Page-Brin
The Googley-Googley Boys

Google–Huffington: "Murdoch=faux journeaux"

Washington, DC —EBBQ Escalating the battle between traditional newspapers and online news providers, Google Inc. and a list of other Web news aggregate companies Tuesday, publicly accused Rupert Murdoch and his Newscorp chain of "solely and irresponsibly looting news articles of their unbiased truth. Thereby creating, out of whole cloth, the paper news industry's decline."

Speaking together at a Washington forum on the future of newspapers, Larry Page-Brin and Sergey Brin-Page, the openly gay, newlywed co-founders of Google said, "His continuous, highly detailed and wholesale misappropriation of truth in reporting stories is legend in the news world.

"Murdoch has been lying to our faces about journalism all these years," the pair continued. "The French-International term "faux journeaux" was conceived and created by the esteemed French Language Institute to describe him and only him." They said together.

"Faux journeaux is an official entry in the Dictionnaire Français Nationaux. Not just any street term gets into that dictionary. You can believe us, we know from dictionaries. We own all the dictionaries in the world." said Larry Page-Brin.

"Except that French DFN one," said Sergey Brin-Page. "They wouldn't sell it to us because we aren't French-speaking."

"Murdoch, Newscorp and Fox think they have the right to take true news content and remake it for their own purposes without any consideration of the impact on others in the story." said Larry Page-Brin, speaking soto voce, or without help from his spouse, Sergey.

"Their almost wholesale misappropriation of the truth in their stories is not fair use. To be impolite, it's outright lying." said Sergey Brin-Page, also speaking singly, showing his own independent style.

These remarks about Murdoch, who is chairman of Newscorp., and publishes the Wall Street Journal, the New York Post and Britain's The Times, were the latest retort in a verbal war begun by Google and other news web sites like Huffington Post that comb the Web for headlines and gather them all in one spot so people on the web can find them.

Previous to this presentation, only Murdoch has been twisting in the wind with his media grumping about all the wealth he has lost to these "thieves". A term he has publicly, yet confusedly called either Brin-Page or Page-Brin, mixing up the two men's identities whenever he refers to them, then in despair calling them "those Googley Googley Boys".

He has vehemently condemned their aggregation practice, which he has to pay for on his GoogleSense account, click by click for each of his papers. There are hundreds of thousands of clicks at his list of papers daily. A tidy sum that he wishes to stop paying out. He feels this is adding an irretrievable cash injury to his already declining loss of profit, due to his not being able to sell ad space for his hemorrhaging cashflow balance sheet.

Mr. Murdoch said, "Producing great journalism is expensive. I know this because I tried producing high-quality content once. I couldn't afford it. I found that what people seemed to really want was blood and gore. Gun fights, dog fights, cock fights. Lots of seedy stuff about abortions gone wrong, That kind of thing. And I became famous and just a little bit rich for giving it to them."

Murdoch said of today's online readers of his newspapers, "most of these [bleeping] people are not worth anything. The [bleepers] only read the one page or look at the one photo that they [bleeping] googled and then they [bleeping] leave. Where's the ad revenue in that [bleeping] model?"

It has recently been revealed that a highly profitable Google/MySpace combo ad deal reputed to be worth a cool billion cash to Murdoch is in the crapper too. It seems Murdoch was unable to increase the face-counts on MySpace, as he promised. Google required minimum numbers to market their advertising. Rupert couldn't deliver so Google didn't send him the billion. Already a billionaire, he was denied being called a multi-billionaire by the 2010 Forbes Billionaire List. A real downgrade.

Asked about this little hitch in their business dealings, Mr. Murdoch said "I can't comment on that as I don't have final numbers yet from the MySpace people. My son James, the president of MySpace is busy buying his new yacht in Brisbane and can't be reached on his cell. Sadly for Brin-Page and Page-Brin," clearly mixing them up yet again, "is that I sent a whopper of an antique silver tea service to their wedding, even though I wasn't invited. I know I saw a bill somewhere for the thing, like $50 grand or so – and in USD, too. Hope they like their tea."

Arianna Huffington of "HuffPo" fame waltzed into the room, bussed Rupert on both cheeks while Rupert bussed her right ear with his left hand. Quickly, Arianna then stepped up to the microphone and addressed the media tycoon personally, "Rupert, darling, you are confusing my patented style of news aggregation, my successful Huffington Post, with what I have always called your 'yesterday's bird cage liner'."

"Talk about having your aggregation cake and bitching about others having a piece too," Huffington said. "This guy calls me a "tattered veil" in the news and then steals my patented aggregation software and puts it on his FoxNews.com so those 'news people' can find a story to report about; his Rotten Tomatoes.com where he takes other writer's movie reviews and pastes them into his site; and in his WSJ.com's tech section where he 'reports' on tech tips that he pastes in from other web tech sites. Good ol' Rupert is the 'Copy/Paste Queen of the Internet'. That's theft of the fraudulent style by me."

Arianna continued "It's only about helping people find the information they are looking for," she said. She stressed that "it's very, very simple darling, dozens of newspapers have closed and thousands of jobs have been lost in the last several years. Rupert is shirking his responsibility to the labor workforce he dumped out in the streets. We can't be blamed for causing his problems. He's crying like a stuck pig here while his son is off buying another yacht."

Arianna invited Brin-Page and Page-Brin (addressing each one correctly) up to the dais with her and posed for photos with a background poster that touted the new Google "Rupert–Free Web Search".

Gifts of Christmas Conservatism

Once again our ConSox are bulging with these great, new (in most cases) gift ideas for those new people in your life who are discovering Conservatisn and its joys. It's never to soon to gift your son or daughter with a nice Conservative Gift at Christmas. Eventually they will come to see the light and cherish what you have so gladly given them. Even that crusty old uncle Joe who never smiles any kind of thanks will get a twinkle in his eye here.

The gift of a fine Christmas Book from respected authors such as Mike Huckabee, Glenn Beck, Larry "WS" Craig, Dr. Taitz, Mark Foley and other Conservatives are now available. Look for them on the web and in select Conservative-leaning book shops.
If you are looking on the web, just type (author:_______) into Google and press search. The _______ is where you type the name of who you wish to find. Easy.

Arguing For Idiots: How Small Minds Work For Big Government——$69.75
by John Ensign and Cong. Joe Wilson
This treatise is about mastering the basic neocon ability of winning arguments against people by using your own big mouths and small minds. Learn how to be more loudmouthed and assertive than you thought possible. Make people never want to question how you love your America again. It's simple: the next time a self- righteous vegetarian sounds their chicken-little alarm…your reply is right there on page 139. Rubber band the book to your cell and carry it at all times. You never know when you will need it.

Manliness as Art: Teach Your Son Classic Skills and Manners——$35.50
by Mike Huckabee with Dr. Orly Taitz
In times past, manliness was a worthy and distinct characteristic — a quality that boys strove to attain. Men wished to have their manliness attached to their name. But these manly virtues and skills have begun to disappear. Our book analyzes the different roles a man assumes throughout his life, and shows how to redevelop the manly attributes and skills that go along with it.
Learn to 'Shave Like Your Grandpa'; 'Be the Perfect House Guest'; and 'Practice The Art of Thank-You-Notes'. Become adept at 'Secret Handshake: How to Help a 'Friend With a Problem'; Practice 'The Mechanics of the Man Hug'; Go 'Beyond G-Strings and Keg Stands: Throwing a Classy Bachelor Party'; Find the nerve to 'Have "The Talk" With Your Son'; then teach him what it means to 'Shake Hands Like a Man'.


A Boy's Huck Finn Hand Book, 2008 Edition——$18.75
Foreword by Larry Craig when told by Mark Foley
If Huckleberry Finn were to settle down, somewhere out there in the territory, and decide to become an author, he might very well come up with a book like this one…evoking the kind of boyhood that nearly every American man would like to have had himself. It should be handed down to your great-grandboys. Teach how to camp out without a tent. The private hand game, "Uncle Enos" Banjo. The campy sleep-over game Puss-in-Boots, Dramatized and Adapted For a Puppet-Show.
Used since 1892 by generations of Boy Scouts, this classic manual of pastimes includes instructions for hundreds of projects -- making kites, riding double on snow sleds, learning to cast a pole, and the ever-popular teen's blow gun. Lots more two-man puppet shows, unlimited backyard camping with flashlights; so much8 more — over 317 black-and-white detailed how-to illustrations that are most poignant.

You Troublemaker, You Troublemaker——$45.99
Billo Reilly
A very rare first edition of this early-remaindered work. The dust jacket says "In this intimate book, Billo takes you back to examine everything that happened to launch him on his journey from maladjusted loner to his current state, an immensely foolish, long-winded person." Billo says "One day I made a real dumb remark, and Sister Lurana, she leaned down, as was her habit, looked me in the eye, and spat out: 'William, you troublemaker, you troublemaker!" Little did Sister Mary know that she was defining a career for a troublemaker.


A USS REAGAN CAP——$30.00
One row of gold "Captain's Scrambled Eggs" on the visor. LIMITED—NEVER BEFORE OFFERED FOR SALE. All sizes available. Get yours before the USS Reagan is decommissioned.



Ronnie Reagan's Callista & Newt Deja Vous——$89.95
CD Hosts Newt & Callista
In this catchy docu-drama see how Ronnie used Nancy to make up a list of conservative principles that draw America as a "shiny city worth a hill of beans." Dixon, Illinois still is that city, and not worth that proverbial hill of beans. RR left as quickly as the ink dried on his diploma. He then began to wander through a career in Hollywood where he meets and marries, then meets and marries again. Newt's comment here is priceless, "I owe this, my current marriage, to this great man's desert quest to find the love of his life."
Newt and wife narrate the story personally with short vignettes of home movies of Ronnie and Nancy attending seances, Nancy casting astrologies for friends at $5 a piece and the never-before-seen reels of Ronnie getting made up for the GE TV show which launched him into politics. With Nancy's uncanny help, Newt is able to interview Ronnie live during a most touching final scene in the CD. You won't want to miss this one.

Official 2009 White House Christmas Ornament——$.85 (pre-inflation dollars)
Seemingly unaware that the Democrats inhabit the White House, the Conservatives have reissued this archived ornament which honors the second administration of President Grover Cleveland. Most come without string.

Simple Christianity Christmas——$49.95 (CD——$21.95 each)
by Mike Huckabee
"So simple that it has all the makings of a first-class disaster. Huckabee recounts twelve Christmas memories from his own life that illustrate the rewritten meaning of the Conservative Evangelical Nativity. Mike can include a music CD of his latest "Carols of the Guitar Christ". CDs not sold separately.


Glenn's Hand-Knitted Christmas Sweater——$19.50 (separate words additional——$5.00 per letter)
Value words by Glenn Beck, knitted by Grenn Veck, LLC
A wickedly poignant yarn of family, faith and forgiveness — based on the actual first sweater he knitted with his own hands. The new sweater by Beck is exclusively knit just for the children. Sizes range from Infant to size XXL for the high schoolers who want to look cool and sloppy at the same time.
ORDER your sweaters with one of the New 9/12 Values knit right in:
• Honesty • Reverence • Hope • Thrift • Humility • Charity • Sincerity • Moderation • Hard Work • Courage • Personal Responsibility • Gratitude •
Your choice of yarn colors for the Value you choose…Patriotic Red, Wealthy Gold, Majestic Purple. Don't ask, Blue is not a Value color. Allow 6-12 weeks delivery on Value-added sweaters. Misspelling is no reason to ask for a refund. Man up, cry baby.

Depp pirates global victory

Hollywood CA —EBBQ People Magazine has ruled — Depp won! Pirates Beat Vampires! was the header online — with an eye-popping 6.3 million total votes cast! Johnny Depp, mid-40s, is the World's Sexiest Man!

Who were the contenders, aside from Loser Vampire Pattinson? —who took down a mere 2.3 million votes for second place. Well, in a twist of fun the editors of PM said they wanted the voting to be "like super" in 2009 so they threw in some real difficult votables to pass up.

Matt McConaughey's shirt led off the pack with 2.25 million votes! Yes! For the shirt yet. It almost beat the Vampire! What a shirt. Then a rare choice but a winning vote-getter at 1.92 million, the entire Star Jones Wedding — the whole she bang, she bang, she — well you get my drift. Third in the list was another hard-to-pass-up first, the 2003 Johnny Depp. Right, they put Depp up against himself and he brought in 1.7 million votes! That's a total for him of 8 million 'Go Pirate' votes, matey!

The final votes went for Harrison Ford's 1998 slightly stained, padded blue jeans (350,000 votes); the 1995 (not the skinny-Millenny 2000) Brad Pitt (225,000 votes); Patrick Swazye's posthumous 1991 abs with 21,000 votes; and bringing up the rear with 13 votes, "nobody" 1994, the only year the mag hasn't had a Sexiest Man of the World awarded.

In a seemingly unrelated story, just as the awards were being announced, a statement from the U.S. Fifth Fleet in Bahrain announced that four suspected pirates in a skiff off Somalian waters attacked a previously-attacked US-registered ship again.

Vice Adm. Trish Gormley of the U.S. Naval Forces CentComm, said the freighter Maersk Alabama had a totally Korean crew on board this time. The Admiral said "the pirates used their automatic weapons from about 300 yards away. An on-board security team repelled the attack with evasive maneuvers and a Long Range Acoustic Device, which beams earsplitting alarm tones," smiled the Admiral. "No shots were fired at the pirates, they quickly left the vicinity as they couldn't hear themselves think."

Interviewed in Boston while she was having her hair colored, Kim Brock, wife of the ship's captain, Paul Brock said "It must have shocked those pirates. They weren't used to the noise."

A self-proclaimed pirate in a Somali pirate town said that colleagues out at sea had called him around 9 a.m. — "they say the get in trouble with thees American ship and they can't think, there is a suddenly very sharp noise in my radio and I lose contact. We can't locate them since," said the pirate.

When asked why they tried to take this particular US boat again, the would-be pirate said, "Hey, it was announced early today in People Magazine that the Pirates we Win! So we took it as the omen and go for the ship. Who knew they get away, man? We figure they hear the news. We think they fold without a fight. We lose bad."

Pope to Search Space For New Communicants

THE VATICAN, Rome —EBBQ The Pontifical Academy sent out news this week that the Vatican was beginning to search far and wide for new communicants. This seemingly sudden rush to sign up new members follows quickly on the rather poor response to Pope B-dict's pass at the dissatisfied clergy of the Anglican and Episcopal churches of England and the USA respectively.

This search will be most unusual as it will plumb the depth of outer space itself to find and lead willing aliens to the Church. The decision to "go public" for the Pope, was decided at a recent Vatican conference on the chances of alien life in the universe, hosted at the Vatican by The Pontifical Academy.

The press were allowed to view the Q&A session relating to this news.

A question was posted to the Vatican's new Alien Blog, appropriately called "OutOfSpace" at www.OutOfSpace.net. This question was flashed immediately to a large flat screen in the conference hall.

Question: "Doesn't this concept of aliens conflict with church teaching in the Catholic Faith?"

Father José Aramon, a Spanish Jesuit astronomer at the Vatican Observatory, answered by typing back simply: "This does not conflict with our faith. Who is qualified to place limits on the creative freedom of God?"

"Are you afraid that you will sit next to extremely alien-looking aliens at your next mass?" He continued his typing, warming to the subject. "They too are God's creatures are they not?"

Yet another posted question was flashed on the screen: "What about the idea that God made man in his own image? Is this now a new and different God? Or a different face of our old God?"

"We are not living in the Seventeenth Century anymore now," began Fr. Aramon, typing with measured assurance. "Surely we all know that a multiplicity of creatures exists on Earth. All created by God. Just as we know that He already is responsible for the rest of our solar system."

Then the Father smiled warmly and typed, "So now we say that there could be other beings, also intelligent, created by God. You must now accept this as Divine Truth, according to Pope Bene, crossed out, B-Dict."

The next question was posted: "This is Helen Thomas with Hearst. I wan to know will this threaten our own world's Christian way of life? And a followup...If this is to be the second coming of Christ heralded throughout the Bible, will the new Christ be a tentacled multi-headed Christ or just another Jesus?"

Father José thought for quite a long moment and then, smiling warmly again, he typed "Helen, my dear, so nice to see you are still asking the jaw-dropping jewels you are famous for asking.

"There will be no threat to our Christian world. These aliens may never, once they are baptised, see the need to enter into our planetary position. It is thought that they will want to remain in their own millieu, as our beloved French choose to do on Earth." He coughed a bit, and continued his typing, "I think that you are rushing things a bit here with your followup question, my dear. There is no hint of an indication that we are arriving at the Second Coming during our lifetime.

"Besides," he smiled as though drawing in his mind the '…tentacled multi-headed Christ', "no one has actually been out there yet to document any alien visages. Even Steven Spielberg backed off when we asked him to loan us some of his renderings of aliens from his highly specialized personal library of alien images."

The Jesuit Father leaned back smiling quietly, mopping his forehead with a napkin. It seemed as if by Papal Decree, the screen and computers went blank, stopping the conference in its tracks.

After a few moments, Fr. Aramon smiled again at the press and said "It seems that we need a few more hours or days of technical mastery to keep the blog up and running. Accept our apology for this unintentional interruption.

"The conference is ended. Go in Peace."