Giuliani Moves Towards Endorsement

NEW YORK CITY  —EBBQ  This morning, in a hastily arranged Skype conference in New York City's Brooklyn Borough, former Mayor and 9/11 stalwart, Rudi Giuliani, announced his suspected endorsement of former GOPTea™ House Speaker Gingrich for GOPTea™ presidential nominee. 

In introducing himself, Giuliani quickly said both "My friend Newt" and the name of the former president and newly anointed GOPGod, "Ronald Reagan", in the same sentence. A Giuliani aide said that was considered typical of a Giuliani endorsement. Another Giuliani aide said that Reagan would be available for questions only at his California ranch.

Here's Giuliani's exactly worded endorsement:

“My friend Newt's got a set of luggage that even Louis Vuitton couldn't sell, but at least Newt's saying he can quote the ideas that Nancy swears Ronnie once had,” he said.

"So I've got a letter that Newt wrote to a flippin' somebody in Iowa and he wants me to read it out to you all – there aren't any copies so listen closely. It's sad I am not allowed to go to Iowa, I'm told they do gay marriages out there. Here's the letter."

To Bob Van der Past:

I, Newton Gingrich, solemnly pledge that on day one of my administration sometime in January, 2013, I will sign an executive order reinstating Ronald Reagan’s Mexico City Abortion Policy. Nancy swore to me on Skype that he really had one. She promised to email it.

I pledge, also on day one, to hold dear the institution of marriage by my demonstrated personal fidelity to my spouse; I also pledge to defend all Midwest right-wing marriage values, including recognition of the unborns. I will presidentially defend all types of right wing fundamentalist religion, even the Mormons. But most importantly I will reinstate all Reagan-like deficit spending, even allowing we the people to think we rule ourselves.

I pledge I will name Callista Ballista Gingrich, my above-mentioned spouse and our new composite First Lady, to be in charge of the transfer of the Federal Reserve, Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac and the Treasury to a Tiffany & Co. revolving credit account. She believes this minor, yet far-reaching, adjustment of the location of the government's money will quickly realize great savings by releasing all 200,000 Treasury personnel. And no more need for Fort Knox. With this action, I reduce government spending by $1.2 trillion a year in medicare and social security payroll deductions alone. This will be transferred to the Tiffany employees, who already know how to manage credit accounts very successfully.

I pledge I will act appropriately grand and appoint the 'right' federal judges who promise only to use their powers to trample on individual liberties by corporate request. In an equally king-like fashion, I'll use my executive powers to limit the jurisdiction of the federal courts on all legal issues, and throw out unnecessary court cases. This alone will save another trillion or two a year in legal fees. Those savings will transfer to a small Kansas bank owned by the Koch family.

Callista has suggested that I also regally make up important, even drastic decisions every day that I won't agree with the next day, all in the spirit of great and lasting bipartisan compromise. This time I really, really, really do mean it. You have my word, which is my bond.

Giuliani stopped reading here and said, "His final bit is in his own sweeping last-minute, handwriting," I solemnly, and with all due respect, order you, Bob Van der Pussy, to recapitalize the letter 'I' in your writing of the word FAMiLY, pointing out how silly and unAmerican FAMiLY looks written that way – step into your man pants, you pussy, and be the 'I' in famIly! 

Signed 

Sincerely, Newton Gingrich, 

Cunning Linguist.

PS I really, really, really do mean it. Fundamental. Word. Bond. End of story. 

Giuliani said, "Thanks for listening folks."